Ten Little Letters written on Her Heart
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: Slightly spoilery (until 7.5.2013 but I think the spoiler is pretty well known). Janny fic - with Mo.
1. Chapter 1

**This fic is a tad on the spoilery side - but I think it's a fairly known spoiler :) I haven't abandoned my other fics (other than maybe Hush) but I tend to work best with a few on the go :D (or I think I do at least). I hope this is alright and I am grateful for readers & reviewers.**

**The title may seem a little bizarre but I couldn't decide between two so I combined them :)**

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"Talk to him" Mo didn't bother knocking on Jac Naylor's office door, nor did she bother with pleasantries. She wasn't feeling particularly enamoured by this situation but she just couldn't help herself in getting involved. If she was honest, it wasn't the red haired consultant that made her feel that way, in many ways she was indifferent to her senior but she cared deeply for Jonny and it was getting harder to deal with him being so depressed over the situation. Though he hid it well, but Mo could see through his act.

"Not now Mo" Jac sounded weary. Her voice small; and moving closer towards her, Mo couldn't help but notice the pallor of her skin was deathly pale and there was a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. If it had been anyone else Mo would have voiced her concern, but Jac wasn't the type of woman who would take kindly to that.

"You're both idiots; you know that right?" Mo stated, in a blunt manner with a slight roll of her eyes. Jac blinked a little in surprise. The fact that Jac hadn't flown at her surprised Mo a little, and made her worry that indeed something was wrong. Yesterday had been a difficult day for Jac, Mo knew that but she hadn't expected it to affect her quite this much.

"Leave me alone" Jac spoke the words slowly and carefully as if speaking to a small child. Mo rolled her eyes again. She knew that Jac was going to be difficult to crack but she'd hoped after yesterday they may have made some progress. Mo had thought she'd understood how hard it was for Jac to have her secret revealed and yet it seemed to have, had much more of a profound effect on her than affected.

"It's killing you both" Mo told her. She didn't really want to care about Jac, but for some reason Jonny loved her and this was destroying him. And Mo was beginning to see how much it was killing Jac as well, although she did a much better job of hiding it or maybe people just didn't notice it so much with her.

"and you care because?" There was something snarky in the way she said the words, but there was the slightest sigh at the end of her question. Mo gave Jac a small smile and raised an eyebrow.

"I care about Jonny" She answered, trying to keep her voice even. Jac gave her a slight nod of understanding. It made much more sense to her that Mo would be here for Jonny. Nobody ever really thought too much of Jac and her feelings, nor would they think that perhaps she had a version of events in all of this. No Jac was always to be the villain.

"Of course" Jac whispered and for a second Mo wondered if there was perhaps a tinge of hurt in her words but she chose not to pursue that train of thought. It was quite difficult to associate Jac with certain emotions; although Mo had come close to seeing her as much more human.

"For some reason, he loves you and this is killing him" Mo made some sort of sweeping movement and Jac rolled her eyes.

"He loves me? That's rich" Jac practically spat the words, forcing herself more upright in her chair. She pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear and placed her hands on her desk, trying to regain the control she'd be losing her grip on. "It certainly didn't seem that way before"

"You two had an argument; all couples do" Mo reasoned. In all honesty, she and Jonny had barely discussed the events leading up to the breakdown of the short lived relationship between the pair but she'd presumed it was just the pair of them being stubborn and pig-headed.

"Is that what he told you?" Jac tried to steady her breathing, but the memory of that shift was still painful and his words kept finding their way in to her consciousness. Especially now. Since the moment she'd hung up the phone, she'd heard Jonny's word echoing in her ear.

"Not in so many words" Mo admitted and she watched as Jac shook her slowly, the flicker of pain in her eyes.

"Then you have no right to judge" Jac answered quietly, trying to push the words back out of her head. She knew she'd have to talk to Jonny soon, but the idea of it made her feel sick. She wasn't one to admit fear, but this was something that absolutely terrified her. She didn't like feeling that she wasn't in control of her own life; and at that point in time her control was at an all-time low.

"Are you scared?" Mo asked, softly. She could understand that. Jonny, while still so much a child, was someone who had dreamed of a family for much of his life. He may have been immature but Mo knew that being a dad was something he secretly hoped for – and if Jac knew that too then the reality of her diagnosis could have weighed heavy in that argument. "Did you push him away because you were scared he'd walk away?"

"no" Jac whispered, a little frightened by the fact that Mo seemed to getting close to the truth. She didn't like it when people could see through her façade. Letting people get close to her, was not something that Jac was prepared to do. Especially someone like Mo.

"Then why would you sacrifice a chance at happiness?" Mo couldn't help but feel a little confused. Unless Jac was completely brainless, it was obvious how much Jonny loved her and was committed to a future with her, so to throw that away didn't make any sense.

"What he said to me" Jac whispered the words before she could prevent them.

"I don't understand" Mo responded. And Jac sighed, she didn't want to talk, not know but she couldn't see Mo leaving without some sort of explanation and even worse Jac was near enough certain that Mo would see through any lies she told.

"We both said stupid things – and normally it would have rolled off my back" Jac whispered, closing her eyes for a second and allowing her mind to travel back to that moment. She could see the two of them standing there so clearly. It was stupid, how quickly things had changed between them and turned sour.

"My diagnosis was just made official and he spoke of what a terrible mother I would be and how" she took in a deep shaking breath, a sick feeling settling over her and she closed her eyes for a second "and how any child I had would have a chance of being the antichrist because I am it's mother" she felt a lone tear slip down at cheek at the idea of it. Mo recoiled a slightly.

"I doubt he meant it" Mo spoke quietly, wondering what must have been going through Jonny's head at that moment, the actions that must have preceded those words. She'd seen the end result of the argument, how he'd walked away.

"He still said it" Jac sighed a little, "and I slapped him" she hadn't admitted that before, that she'd hit him. It had been a reflex action. Something that had happened so quickly, she hadn't been able to stop it.

"You two make quite a pair" Mo shook her head a little. The pair of them, Jac and Jonny, were obviously the type who would struggle to live with each and yet were destroying themselves while apart.

"But we're not a pair are we?" Jac answered, slowly. It seemed unlikely that they would ever be a couple again and yet so much was changing that they'd be tied together for a lifetime.

"not now but" Mo paused, wasn't it just a few hours ago that Jonny had told her that he had no intention of ever getting back together with the consultant but Mo had seen it in his eyes that he was lying, that he was hurt. But given the water under the bridge, the thing she hadn't known, it now seemed all the more likely that he was right. Jac grimaced, her body tensing. She swallowed hard.

"Not ever Mo" Jac whispered, feeling a hint of sadness at the idea. Too much had happened between them, that it seemed impossible they'd be able to work through it to become even something resembling a normal couple. Especially not with their little added complication. Jac grimaced again, one arm snaking around her body, the other reaching for the water bottle that stood on her desk.

"You ok?" Mo questioned softly, a hint of concern in her words. Jac closed her eyes as she drank from her water bottle, trying desperately to push away the feelings of nausea that had settled upon her. "Do you need your painkillers?" Jac placed the bottle back down on her desk and shook her head.

"It's not that" Jac stated quietly, hoping her stomach would settle a little. Mo raised an eyebrow.

"Then what?" she asked, suddenly interested. Jac gulped trying to swallow the bile that had risen in her throat. She was sure all of this was just in her mind, her heads way of convincing her this was real; because right now it still seemed pretty unbelievable. "If you're not fit to be here, Jac" Mo added. Jac frowned, the last thing she wanted was to be sent home, with only her thoughts and nothing to distract her from them.

"I'm pregnant" she whispered, stating the words for the first time. They felt alien on her tongue.. Two words she thought she'd never string together. Two words made up of 10 little letters, which scared her so deeply. 10 tiny little letters which had the power to change her life; to change both of their lives.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to anyone reading this. I hope it's ok and as usual I love reviews :)**

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"pregnant?" Mo stuttered a little as she repeated the word. Hadn't it just been yesterday that she had discovered that Jac had potential fertility issues, and now she was saying that she was pregnant. It didn't make much sense.

"Y'know with child, up the duff, up the creak without a paddle" Jac spoke with the hint of amusement in her voice but Mo thought she could detect something beneath that; an emotion she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"And it's Jonny's?" Mo asked, trying to treat a little bit carefully. She didn't want to probe too deeply in to Jac's personal affairs but Mo couldn't help but worry about how Jonny would feel either way. If the baby wasn't his, then he'd have to deal with the fact that Jac had slept with someone else so soon after they'd broken up, and he'd have to watch as her body changed, nurturing the child of another man. But if it was his, then it could be difficult given how the situation was between them.

"No it's Elliot's" She said, twisting her lips a little, before she sighed "of course it's Jonny's" Part of her wished that the baby wasn't his. He had made his feelings quite clear about her child's demonic potential and he'd always made it clear that he had no intention of having anything more than a professional relationship with her. And that was without considering that fact, that the night they'd conceived this child was in his eyes a mistake.

"And when are you planning on telling him?" Mo questioned. Jac wished she had an answer for that question. It barely made sense to her, the fact that deep within her, a child was growing. She'd thought it was an impossibility and yet now it was happening and her emotions were all over the place.

"I'm still trying to process it myself" Jac responded softly. There was little point in denying that and it was something that Mo understood. Her own pregnancy had been different, planned with military precision with the aid of medical technology but it had still taken her brain a little to process that it was real when the result had been positive; and she'd been expecting it.

"Do you know what you're going to do?" Mo queried, suddenly a little worried that Jac would do something she'd later regret or that she'd do it without Jonny's knowledge and he'd never have had a chance to know about his child. Jac's eyes widened in surprise at the bluntness.

"I" she froze. She hadn't thought it through properly though she thought that she'd keep the child. This was, after all, potentially her only chance of having a child and there was a small part of her that did love babies. But there was an even larger part that didn't trust herself. She worried that she wouldn't be able to love her child enough or worse that she'd end up abandoning it in the same way her mother had her. She didn't want to inflict that on another human.

"He deserves to be involved" Mo told her, and Jac blinked a little. There were so many thoughts running around her own head, that she wasn't sure she could cope with the opinions and beliefs of another in there as well. She needed to have things straight for herself first and yet she could see Mo's point as well. This embryo within her was half his.

"I do know that" Jac answered, a little bit bitterly. Perhaps it had been a mistake, confirming to Mo that the child was Jonny's. But there was another part of Jac that didn't want to be seen as the woman who seemingly slept around – particularly given the mistakes she had made in the past.

"He might help you make a decision" Mo reasoned. And she saw a look of concern flicker over Jac's face.

"If it's anything like the last time, he'll want to deal with it" Jac responded, a little bit sadly remembering the time she'd been late. The time when the baby hadn't actually existed; it was only a possibility. This time it was real and any decisions, any actions would have consequences.

"and you don't want that?" A small smile played on Mo's lip, a smile indicating she had won a game. Jac sighed a little, wondering if she'd been tricked in to her statement. If it had been Mo's strange way of trying to trick her in to revealing what she wanted.

"I don't know" she answered slowly, shaking her head a little. It was all too much. "I just need a few days to get my head around it" she added, hoping that would at least keep Mo at bay for the time being.

"and then you'll talk to Jonny" Mo stated, firmly and Jac rolled her eyes a little.

"And I'll talk to Jonny" though she made no indication of how long a few days was. Mo smiled again.

"He may just surprise you" Mo hoped that he would. In a strange way, Mo could see that Jac was so used to dealing with everything on her own, that the idea of having someone to support her was an alien concept. It was a sad realisation and yet in some ways it explained a lot.

"maybe" Jac replied, though she didn't quite trust her answer. People rarely surprised her; generally they brought about hurt and disappointment. Things she had come to expect. It seemed unlikely that Jonny would be any different.

"Give him a chance" Mo spoke softly, and Jac nodded her head a little. She would give him that. But not yet. She wasn't ready yet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to those reading and reviewing :) I hope this is ok :) **

"You look dreadful" Mo spoke softly, sidling up next to Jac who was leaning against the desk on Darwin. Jac turned and looked at her junior, a slight look of panic in her eyes as she quickly scanned the ward for listening ears.

"You are too kind" Jac responded, but she knew Mo was correct. She'd been feeling rough all morning and it definitely wasn't improving despite the fact it was very nearly afternoon. She breathed slowly and tried to steady herself.

"Have you spoken to Jonny yet?" Mo asked. She was fairly certain of the answer, given that Jonny hadn't mentioned anything to her; and Mo was certain that he would. But equally it had been nearly 4 days since they'd spoken in Jac's office and by Mo's reckoning that definitely counted as a few days.

"If it hasn't escaped your notice, he isn't working today" Jac argued, but she knew it was a weak argument. Jonny had been working alongside her the day before; and she mostly definitely knew where he lived so she really did have no excuses – but it just didn't feel right telling him yet.

"Do you think I was born yesterday?" Mo retaliated with a small smile. Jac gave her a weak smile in return.

"Oh you most definitely weren't" she responded, trying to sound brighter than she felt. She knew that putting it off wouldn't make it any easier but telling him would make it all the more real. Telling him would confirm his status as the father, a genetic component of this new little being. Telling him would tie her to him forever more.

"He deserves to know" Mo stated, and Jac nodded a little. In some ways Mo was right but in other words, Jonny had spoken so negatively of the potential of this child's existence that did he really deserve to know. As a late, it was to be dealt with, as the potential offspring of her it was the antichrist and of the night it was conceived it was a mistake. There was little positivity when it came to Jonny and this little life. There didn't seem to be much in the way of positives at all – other than the fact it existed when she had believed it never would.

"and he will" Jac whispered. She knew that she'd have to tell him before he discovered it from someone else, and she knew that this gave her something of an imminent deadline. Even if she managed to hide the beginnings of a bump, she was certain that symptoms would give her away and that the gossip would start. And she wouldn't want him to find out like that.

"You should try crackers" Mo switched the subject, sensing that discussing telling Jonny was making Jac feel a little uneasy and it felt wrong to force the issue when Jac looked so unwell. Jac grimaced at the mention of a food product and she shook her head.

"No food" She spoke softly. Mo gave Jac a knowing smile, and Jac remembered that Mo had been through this. While she could still clearly remember supporting Mo through the birth of the baby, it hadn't registered that Mo had been through the early stages of pregnancy and would understand what she was going through.

"You need to eat and crackers are good" Mo spoke knowledgably and she smiled a little at the memory. Of how Jonny would keep boxes of the thing stashed around their work so that she was never far from a box. She'd found herself grazing on them because, not only were they kind to her stomach, they also stopped her fainting from lack of eating. So it was a win-win situation.

"I'll be fine" Jac didn't sound at all convinced, something which wasn't helped by the way her body was swaying a little or the way her face had paled even more. Mo hadn't thought it was possible for the red haired consultant to look any paler but apparently it could happen.

"You could have fooled me" Mo's lowered her voice and Jac gulped a little, trying to push away the nausea that was bubbling away. The smell of food was assaulting her nostrils and it was mixed in with somebody perfume which was making her want to gag. "Jac, people are going to start getting suspicious"

Jac's hand flew to her mouth, and she dashed in the direction of the ladies toilets hoping that she'd make it before she brought up the meagre contents of her stomach. Mo sighed a little and after waiting a minute or so she walked in to direction that Jac had bolted. Mo found her senior, huddled against the wall. Her body shaking slightly and her head bent low.

"So you're fine?" Mo questioned, remembering how early pregnancy had affected her. The shifts where Jonny had covered for her because she had bolted in the direction of a toilet and how he'd looked after her. If it hadn't of been for Jonny, she wasn't sure she'd have gotten through those months.

"Leave me please" Jac whispered, her voice small. She didn't want Mo seeing her this way. She wanted to retain her image as Jac Naylor and not this shivering wreck huddled in a toilet cubicle, with clammy skin and a churning stomach. Mo knelt down next to the consultant.

"Not until I'm sure you're ok" Mo stated and Jac turned her head slightly to look at the registrar. The expression of concern on Mo's face took Jac a little bit surprise.

"Does it get any easier?" Jac asked quietly, tilting her head a little to one side. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this ill or this tired. Her body seemed to be working against her; or at least the little person in her womb was. She wasn't sure she could survive feeling like this for nine months; though she knew that was selfish.

"You want to answer you want to hear or the truth?" Mo asked with a smile. Remembering her pregnancy was strange. Mo assumed that for most they were able to look back with rose tinted glasses because in their arms, they cradled the precious end results whereas Mo didn't have that.

"The truth?" Jac answered with a question, in a voice filled with uncertainty. Mo smiled at little as memories flitted in and out of her mind. There were good memories like the first time they had felt the baby move but there were the harder memories too like the days when she'd been so wracked with sickness she'd barely been able to drag herself from the bathroom or the pain of having to hand over the baby.

"It's hard to explain" Mo answered honestly. She wasn't sure how to put in to words the experience of being pregnant. It was in many ways indescribable but Mo knew Jac needed something, some words to cling on to. It was strange to see Jac like this, and Mo knew it was something very few people ever saw; "It's not easy, the difficulties change as you progress but it's wonderful too. To know you are growing a baby, a little person who you love despite them not even being born" Mo smiled, remembering how she had come to love the baby even though she'd tried to prevent it.

"and if I can't love it?" Jac asked, sounding even more scared. Mo raised an eyebrow a little, wondering just how Jac had come to be the way she was, but knowing it wasn't the time to ask.

"You will" Mo answered, trying to sound convincing. Jac closed her eyes for a second. She wished she could have Mo's conviction. She knew she was good with babies but they weren't hers and her time with them was always brief. But to love one for the rest of its life; to love it as it grew within her was something she wasn't sure she was capable of and she was scared of bringing a child in to a loveless world. Today she'd found herself looking up the pill, she'd almost found herself walking down to the pharmacy under the guise of getting it for a patient. It scared her, how close she'd come to making that decision. But then she'd considered that this could be her only chance, and that had also scared her. Her mind was so jumbled; it spun with the same intensity as her stomach churned leaving her feeling weak and vulnerable. Jac felt tears slipping from her eyes and without realising it she found herself resting against Mo's body, her juniors arm around her shoulders and sobs wracking her shaking body.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to anyone reading this and especially for any reviews. I hope this is ok :) **

Sitting in her car, Jac couldn't remember the last time she had felt so exhausted. It wasn't just a physical weariness either; even her mind seemed to be beyond tired. It had been such a long time since she'd broken down so completely and a large part of her was ashamed that it had happened – and that someone had been there to witness it.

She closed her eyes. It wasn't that she enjoyed being seen as the emotion-less bitch that people seemed to assume she was but in many ways it was much easier than the alternative. It was harder to command respect when people could see your vulnerabilities and weaknesses – or at least it had always seemed that way to Jac. If people knew you had a weakness, they could use that against you; to cause you pain. How many people had hurt her over the years? Jac had lost count and it wasn't something she wished to dwell on.

But in some ways her image of being emotion-less was one of her biggest weaknesses. It took something away from her as person. It meant that when she was feeling, that people often didn't see it. Or she'd realise and then she'd push them away just to stop them getting close. If she had been more human, would things have worked out this way? She doubted it.

If she hadn't acted so one-tracked minded when it came to her career, perhaps Jonny would have seen her unhappiness. Perhaps he'd have realised the damage his words had caused her and why she had reacted as she had. Perhaps he would have seen that she didn't quite have everything she wanted, because she hadn't known what she wanted. Or she'd gotten what she wanted, but not what she needed.

So many thoughts swirled around her mind, a mind so tired she could barely process them correctly.

She wasn't sure how long she and Mo had sat in the ladies. She knew it was long enough to conspicuous to the gossipy harpies on the ward because she'd seen the curious glances that had swept in their direction when they'd finally emerged. The slightly shell-shocked look on the registrar's face, and the broken consultant with barely disguised red-rimmed eyes to match her hair.

Jac wasn't sure how she was going to face Mo tomorrow. It was one thing for the woman to know her secrets, but another to have seen her in such a moment of weakness; for her to have been let further in to world of Jac Naylor, to know one of the deepest fears that had wormed it's way in to her head. Mo hadn't asked for further details and Jac hadn't volunteered them, but there was still that connection there.

Some said that a problem shared, was a problem halved but Jac didn't quite see it that way. In her world, problems were things that you dealt with alone, in private. You didn't need to trouble somebody else because chances are they would have their own agenda. They'd use it against you in the future. Secrets shared, were weapons for future use. She'd learned the lessons the hard way.

And yet there was something about the way Mo had comforted her. So rarely in her life had someone comforted her. Jac wasn't the person who deserved comforting. Even as a child, awakened by a nightmare that haunted her, she had been undeserving of a comforting arm and a warm embrace. So she'd hardened herself to not wanting it – or pretending she did.

But today someone had comforted her. Someone had held her body as she sobbed, and she had needed that. As much as she hated to admit it, she'd needed that. But it had felt strange and unfamiliar and now it was a source of embarrassment.

She opened her eyes and looked at the building in front of her. She hadn't meant to drive here, but she'd been on autopilot. His building loomed large in front of her. She knew that somewhere in there, Jonny was probably sleeping, ready for his shift the next day. She should have been home sleeping but she couldn't bring herself to drive away.

So much of her wanted to open the car door and to walk up to his flat, to see him standing in front of her. His hair tousled from sleep. But she knew she wouldn't do it.

The last time they'd been together had been after Tara died. A night when she'd retreated in to herself, a quiet sadness for the young F1 who'd had so much to give. His expression of grief had been much more obvious and to a casual observer it would have been assumed that she was comforting him, rather than it being mutual. They'd found their comfort in each other's arms, a tangled mess of bodies in his bed. An act that had created the life within her now.

But he had called it as mistake. An act of comfort and grief not a matter of love or lust. It had hurt her, to hear that. Part of her had wondered, albeit briefly, if perhaps they could have worked it out that night. The loss of the young bride and the love she'd given guiding them together.

But it hadn't happened and now she was alone, sitting outside of his building. Her entire body aching with the tiredness she felt. She was scared, sitting there. Scared by the fact she needed him, by the fact she wanted him more than she could quite express. But she was also scared of telling him, of how he'd react to her news. He had been so clear in his anger but could it just have been in anger? She couldn't tell. The pain was still too raw for her to be able to see it more clearly.

She forced back a sob. She doubted she had any tears left to shed, yet she felt them building up in her eyes. Everything suddenly seemed so much more complicated. A future she had once been sure of suddenly no longer seemed so clear. Everything she had worked for seemed to slipping from her grasp – not her work perhaps but the person she had cultivated. Her façade and barricades seemed to be falling and the faster she tried to rebuild them, the quicker it seemed to tumble away.

She needed control, and yet it slipped through her fingers like water. She was fighting against a tide which seemed determined to pull her in and she was slowly drowning. Yet she could seem to wave at the life rafts for help, her voice wouldn't scream for aid. And so she was slipping, slowly downwards.


	5. Chapter 5

**This part is rather long - but I just couldn't find a good place really to split it in to two smaller parts so I left it as one long one; so I hope it's ok :) Thank you to anyone reading - and for reviews. **

"I need to talk to you" Jonny walked in to Jac's office without knocking, and he barely even bothered looking in her direction. He would have preferred to be anywhere else in the hospital than in that room but sometimes, in his line of work, you had to do things you didn't want – even if it meant facing the wrath of the Naylor. She raised an eyebrow, feeling a little worried about what Mo may have told him.

"About?" she asked a little bit cautiously, although to Jonny it sounded a bit haughty – perhaps because he wanted it too although he shrugged the thought away preferring to think that it was more to do with the consultant's attitude than his own feelings. Being this close to Jonny, made Jac's heart rate increase.

"A patient" he answered, narrowing his eyes a little and turning his attention to her face. She looked a little wary of him. He twisted his lips together a little, not wanting to make this easy for her. Although he knew it was childish to play games, there was a small part of him that felt in some ways she deserved it. He'd spent so many weeks trying to harden himself to her.

"Which patient nurse Maconie?" She asked, somewhat relieved that it was a professional matter and not some gossip that had sent him in her direction. She thought she trusted Mo to keep her secret, but the connection between her and Jonny – which Jac didn't quite understand – meant that Jac feared he'd somehow guess or work it out.

"Eilir Davies" he answered, with a small smile. He'd known little Eilir for many years now and she was one of his favourite patients. When she'd received her transplant a number of months ago, Jonny had been beyond thrilled for the child but now she was back in with complications and he was devastated.

"I don't know her" Jac responded, sounding a little confused. She hadn't spent a great deal of time on the ward, that day. Instead she'd spent the majority of her shift hiding out in the office claiming that she had paperwork to catch up on. In reality she'd been trying to avoid Jonny – and to a slightly lesser extent Mo.

"She's eight years old and is having complications following a transplant 7 months ago" he replied, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. He knew that Jac would pick up on it and he didn't want her knowing what he was feeling. She nodded a little.

"And you want me to check her over?" She retorted. She sighed a little knowing that she had to face the ward. He watched as she stood up slowly, a little bit cautiously. She could feel his eyes on her and it made her uncomfortable but she didn't want to move to quickly, fearing that it was send her in to whirling spin of dizziness. Earlier, a wave of nausea had sent her bolting for the door, but the speed of her movement had nearly sent her crashing to the floor, and she most definitely didn't want that to happen in front of him.

"If you wouldn't mind" He spoke cordially but there was an undertone, some words he left unspoken that she couldn't quite tease out. She walked slowly towards him, wanting to maintain a small distance between them and she sensed he did too because he stepped out ahead of her.

He kept himself a head of her and it made him smile a little, the idea that he was leading her. He was the one guiding the woman, who he was only really fit to hold the coat off. Behind the desk, Mo was watching them. She felt her shoulders drop at the obvious tension between them. There was something pained and weary in the way Jac was, though Mo was sure most others were oblivious to it. Perhaps, once you had seen Jac in such an intimate way, you suddenly became tuned to her emotions. Jonny walked in to bay 3, and smiled brightly at the child on the bed, trying to force away any bad feelings. Jac came in behind him and came to a stop by his side, standing slightly further away from him than she once would have.

"Well Miss Eilir, you are very honoured to be looked over by Holby's very own Ms Naylor" Jonny stated, rather formally earning a giggle from the child on the bed. Jac didn't find his words quite so amusing, in fact she detected an edge of poison in his words, darts meant just for her.

"Aren't you going to greet Ms Naylor?" Eilir's mum asked, and flashed a smile in Jonny's direction. Eilir grinned a little and turned her attention from the nurse to the doctor.

"Nice to meet you Ms Naylor" She said dutifully, before turning her eyes back to Jonny "How come I got to have a new doctor – I like you and Mo?" she asked Jonny, shooting a slightly suspicious glance in Jac's direction. It was almost as if the child sensed something about them and it made Jac feel a little bit on edge. Eilir's mum too was looking at Jonny with doe eyes and Jac almost gagged – though not as a result of her child playing games with her digestive system.

"Well Miss Eilir, because you are so special, I wanted someone else to take a look and see what she thinks we should do" Jonny responded, giving both mother and daughter a smile. He didn't really want to worry them unnecessarily and he knew that Mo had already given Diane a briefing on the situation.

"So Eilir, I just need to check you over is that ok?" Jac asked softly, feeling that she would perhaps have to take things quite gently with this child. She was feeling particularly judged, with three sets of eyes suddenly on her.

"I guess so" Eilir responded, and Jac gave her a smile and moved a little bit closer to the bed and started doing her normal checks on the child. She frowned a little as she did so, noting what must have caused Jonny and Mo cause from concern earlier. "You're frowning?!" Eilir exclaimed a little and Jac pulled away and tried to force a reassuring smile on her face though she knew it probably fell short of the mark – and was probably definitely not up to Jonny's standard based on the look on the mother's face.

"Well sometimes when I concentrate really hard, I frown a bit" Jac tried to reason although she knew it was unconvincing. The child rolled her eyes, and turned to look at her mother with an expression of disdain on her face.

"I don't like her" Eilir said not even bothering to lower her voice "She lies and she's not as nice as Mo" Jac felt a little bit hurt at the child's assessment of her. Turning away from the child Jac, started to walk to the door hoping that her expression had remained neutral.

"Have we got x-rays I can see?" She asked as she walked out the door. She heard Jonny mutter an apology before he followed her out shutting the door behind him.

"Of course" He answered, his tone harsh now the child was no longer in hearing distance. Jonny guided her to where the x-rays were and showed her, Jac studied them for a second looking at them and tilting her head a little to the side.

"I think it's going to have to come out" She stated, "I can't say for certain until she's on the table but I think a resection is unlikely to be an option" she added for clarity and Jonny shook his head in disbelief.

"Typical" he muttered and Jac turned on him, moving a little faster than she should have, causing her to have to place a hand against the desk to regain her balance.

"And by that you mean?" she asked, narrowing her eyes and raising an eyebrow.

"You took the clinical option – not the human" he answered, thinking of the little girl who'd waited so desperately for the transplanted organ that may now have to be taken from her; leaving her back where she'd started. The idea of it broke his heart.

"I'm thinking of what's the best option for her medically" she responded, thinking of the little girl. She wondered for a second how she'd feel if that was her baby lying on the bed, and she was the one sitting beside the bed desperately hoping for good news. She closed her eyes for a second trying to push the idea away.

"and emotionally?" he retorted, thinking of everything the family had gone through to get to this point. Sometimes he wondered how people were able to stay so strong in such a situation. He'd seen some fall apart completely, families breaking apart but there were some like Eilir's who stood strong.

"I" She paused, unsure of how to respond. She wanted to answer him, as she would have before. But the image in her head was distracting her – her child was in the bed. The child who looked like a mix of the pair of them. And she was sat there with her head bowed, waiting for news. News of what was going to happen to a little person she'd fought so hard for, news that could potential change the world for them once again.

"It's not like you to be stuck for words" He spat at her and she felt her head snap up. She hadn't even notice that she'd bowed it in reality.

"Shut up nurse Maconie" She bit back at him. Her eyes flashed and she wondered, not for the first time, how they had come to be like this. Two people who had been so good together, suddenly turned against each other. It pained her that this was how it was between them, particularly when she was carrying his child and soon she'd have to tell him.

"Very mature Jac" he drew out the words, slowly and she raised an eyebrow at him using her first name.

"You're one to talk" she responded, trying to push away the feelings of hurt that were bubbling within her. He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms across his chest, drawing himself up tall. He was trying to dominate against her, and she couldn't help but feel a little intimidated.

"She's a child Jac and you couldn't even pretend to have a heart for her" He spat the words, she felt the pain ripple to the surface and she turned away from him, walking towards her office. She passed Mo who noted the way Jac's eyes appeared to be filling with tears and how her gait quickened. Jonny followed behind her, he wanted the right result for Eilir; not for Jac to walk away from him.

"Don't walk away from me" He almost shouted the words, slamming her door shut behind him. Jac shuddered a little at the sound. His anger was close to the surface, and it scared her. She'd angered people in the past, with a few of them it had ended with her on the floor having connected with their fists.

"You started this" she told him, trying to sound calm and level. She didn't want him to know he had a hold on her. She needed to be the one in control, but she could see something had changed in him.

"You started this" he repeated, thinking back. He could feel the white hot anger bubbling inside of him, anger that had been burning away since that day outside of theatre. Anger at her for throwing away what they'd had, for the way she'd slapped him and turned on him; anger at himself for the way he'd retaliate, and how he'd allowed himself to sleep with her after Tara's death.

"This is ridiculous" she said quietly, trying to calm the situation. The room felt claustrophobic, there was no air in here, it was stifling and she could feel the walls closing in around her.

"Ridiculous? What the way you push everyone away because you're scared they'll find out you actually have a heart – or that they'll realise it's true that you don't?" He stepped a little bit closer to her and she could almost feel the heat that was radiating off of him. "Or the fact that everything you want is here in this hospital – the cold clinical world of surgery – rather than being a normal human who has a life outside of their work?" each word he spoke felt like a dagger being slammed in to her body and she felt herself recoiling from him.

"Stop" she whispered. But he continued to move closer to her and she stepped backwards away from him, wrapping her arms around herself trying to protect herself from him.

"Why? The truth hurts doesn't it Jacqueline" He moved to her desk and looked at it "Y'know most people have photos of their family, even their pets – something or someone they love and that loves them but not you – because who the hell would love you" His eyes swept the desk and then looked up at her face. If it had been anyone else he'd have thought the shining in her eyes were tears, but his anger was so far gone that he was blinded to the truth.

"Please" the word slipping out, in barely a whisper. A soft plea. She knew that the tears were waiting to be shed and that she wouldn't be able to stop them. She felt her arms snake downwards, protectively resting over her abdomen where her little one grew. It was instinctive against the anger raging before her and it surprised her a little, how natural it felt.

"Look at this" he spat again, pulling the drawers of her desk open "Nothing personal, even here. No magazines, or cards. Things you treasure to pick you up when you're feeling low" As he pulled the drawers, his eyes scanned their contents finally coming to rest on the ultrasound she'd performed on herself so many weeks before. He reached in and pulled it out, studying it with eyes still blurred by the anger that pulsated through him.

"no" she whispered, not wanting him to see it, not wanting him to start questioning her now, like this. She was pushed back against the wall. A position she knew was dangerous because she had no place to run but somehow he'd cornered her here. She swallowed hard, fear causing her nausea to worsen.

"What's this?" He looked up at her, eyes flashing dangerously. She blinked a little and twisted her lips, not wanting to anger him further.

"An ultrasound" She answered, trying to keep her voice level and even.

"I may not be a clever heart doctor, but even I can tell that" He retorted, his anger not lessening. He stepped a little closer and waved it in front of her face. "Why do you have an ultrasound in your desk draw?" she took a deep shuddering breath.

"Because I was in pain and" she breathed slowly and evenly trying to maintain her cool "and I was scared something was wrong. It's an old scan – two months old" she added quietly. At time she'd lied to him, and she saw the recognition in his eyes.

"So you lied" He stated "typical Jac Naylor. Was anything you ever told me true?" he added, eyes still flashing. He was so close now, she could almost feel his breath.

"I was scared and I hoped it was nothing" she whispered. It was true, but she knew that he probably wouldn't see it that like.

"You should have trusted me" he answered, his voice a little lower and less aggressive but she knew his anger was still close to the surface. One wrong move and it would flare up again. She felt trapped and it scared her.

"I was scared" she repeated it at a whisper, hating saying the words, "scared of how you'd react, of what you'd think and then everything happened and" she shook a little at the thought and felt the tears slip from her eyes. She wrapped her arms a little tighter around herself, trying to hold herself together. She was using the wall behind her to keep her body upright.

"So there is something wrong with you?" he stated it with such conviction and again it stung her. How many times had she thought that very same thing about even the basic fundamentals of her beings? But hearing him say it felt so wrong. She looked up at him, with tears streaming down her face.

"You want to know what's wrong with me?" She asked, trying to sound braver than she felt. "You honestly want to know – will it make you feel better to know the truth about Jac Naylor and what is so fundamental wrong with her?" she asked and he smiled a little.

"Tell me" he responded and she gave him a smile before closing her eyes for a second, trying to gain her composure.

"I have endometriosis" she answered, feeling the panic building with her. She didn't want to tell him like this and yet she felt she had no other choice. If he found out any other way now, she wasn't sure she could trust his actions. She looked up at him, knowing her eyes were red rimmed, and her cheeks streaked with tears "but it's not only that"

He whispered something though she wasn't sure what, she wondered if perhaps she had caught the word antichrist but she couldn't be certain. Even the idea of him saying that again caused her heart to ache a little.

"I found out that I'm pregnant" she whispered, "I'm pregnant with your baby"


	6. Chapter 6

**Hopefully this part is alright - it's definitely a lot shorter than part 5 :D . I am grateful to any readers and for reviews left. **

Jonny stepped backwards away from her, reeling a little from the words she'd spoken. His brain seemed unable to process them correctly, instead splintered thoughts shifted through his head, leaving him unable to grasp any of them. He felt the anger that had been raging within him, melt away, leaving him feeling drained and confused. He looked up in to her face, the fear and pain within her eyes as she cowered against the wall, a shadow of the woman he normally saw. The realisation hit him that he had caused this reaction resulted in a cold shiver running down his spine. His eyes travelled downwards, over her body and he saw the protective way in which she covered her abdomen.

"I, how, you, we, er, baby?" he stuttered a mix of words that made little sense. The sentences which formed in his head seemed to float away before he had a chance to speak them instead leaving him a seemingly incoherent babbling mess. Jac raised an eyebrow.

"Yes Jonny a baby" She relaxed her arms a little although she didn't quite pull them away from her body. She could tell that the anger had deserted him but she still didn't feel safe. Something was making her feel uneasy and so she stayed pressed against the wall.

"How far?" he asked softly, still studying her body. She wasn't showing yet or at least not as far as he could see given that she was still shielding herself from him. She paused for a second.

"The night Tara died" she answered quietly, and she wondered if the memories of that night were now flitting through his mind. Of how they'd needed each other in that moment, and of how afterwards he had tried to pass it off as nothing more than a mistake.

"oh" he answered, not quite sure what to say. He wondered if perhaps somewhere up there Tara was laughing about this, about how her death had brought about this change in their situation. A new life following the loss of the young doctor.

"Just over 6 weeks" she said with a small smile, she'd looked it up earlier while supposedly undertaking her paperwork. She hadn't meant to do it but somehow she'd found herself typing the words in to google and suddenly there she was reading about tiny beings curving over in to a C-shape with a small tail and the beginnings of limb buds. It still didn't seem quite real that somewhere within her this was occurring.

"I can't quite" he paused unsure. Everything seemed to be happening so quickly and his brain couldn't seem to keep up. It seemed ridiculous to think that, that night when they'd fallen in to each-others arms – an act that never should have happened; not after everything that had occurred between them had led to the conception of a child.

"Imagine how I feel" she said quietly, trying to stop her body from shaking quite so much. "I thought it was impossible and now" she indicated her abdomen. He couldn't quite work out what was going through her head, the way her lips seemed to be half twisted downwards in to frown and half twisted upwards in to a small smile.

"It's a lot to take in" he whispered. He couldn't imagine himself as a dad. It wasn't that he didn't like the idea of children, in fact he'd always thought that one day he'd like a family but he didn't want it like this. He couldn't imagine having a child with Jac, not after everything that had happened. Maybe two months ago when they'd sat in the peace garden, when he'd spoken about living together; maybe then it had seemed like a possibility but not now.

"I know" she stated. She wasn't sure how to take his react, the shell shocked look in his eyes and the way his mind seemed to be working overtime filtering the thoughts that were obviously racing through his mind. She feared what was going on in his head.

"I think I'm going to need some time" he whispered softly, and she nodded feeling a little disappointed. She'd wanted something from him, she saw that now though she still wasn't completely sure what that was. He swallowed hard and she wondered just much time he was going to need to come to terms with this.

Outside of the office, the emergency buzzer started to ring and they both turned to look towards the door. They both knew what they had to do. Jonny was the first to move, in the direction of the door.

"saved by the bell" Jac whispered, and for a brief second he paused before he built up speed and bolted out of the door. Jac sighed knowing that she had to follow him out. She wiped her eyes and in to the window to view her reflection. She looked a mess and she quickly tried to fix it by grabbing a wipe from her bag but she knew it was just damage limitations. She left the office cautiously following the sound of the bell, and felt her heart sink when she realised that it was coming from Bay 3 where little Eilir lay on the bed, numerous professionals around her small trying desperately to revive the child.

Jac found herself frozen unable to move as she watched them, the bodies moving trying to gentle because this was a child yet fighting hard to revive her. She watched the monitor by the bed, the lines that moved, the bleeps it made. She wondered how it felt to watch this as a parent, to be the person supposedly responsible for the little person and having to trust others to save their life. It was something that scared her; that there was going to be a little person for whom she was permanently responsible. She was used to being the other person, the one who saved the life before the person returned to the bosom of their family to be cared for. She wasn't sure she was ready to be on the other side.

She heard the bleeping become less frantic and she felt the atmosphere shift, the tension edging away a little. The life was saved, a mother would be let back in to the room reunited with her child. She'd be able to hug her again and whisper that she loved her, and hear those words whispered in return. Jac turned away. Jonny wasn't the only one who needed time, only time was much more relative for Jac.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you to anyone reading / reviewing - I hope this part is ok :)**

Jonny felt numb as he sat in his car outside of Jac Naylor's building. He wasn't sure why he'd driven here, as he had absolutely no intention of going in and seeing her, and yet he couldn't bring himself to drive away. He leant back in his seat and tried to force his mind to settle down, so many thoughts were battering him that he couldn't seem to process them at all.

He felt as though he'd worked a million doubles rather than just the single shift. So much had happened, in those hours and it left him feeling drained.

Almost losing Eilir had nearly destroyed him, seeing her so fragile on the bed. He'd known as soon as that emergency bell had rung out that it was Eilir he would be running too. He wasn't sure he'd have been able to cope if some had, had to call it with her. He wouldn't have been able to listen to the words being spoken. He was certain of that and he was dreading going in tomorrow, and the possibility that her bed would be empty. He hoped she'd be alright but a feeling of dread had settled in the pit of his stomach.

Little Eilir had always been special. He'd first met her as an adorable little toddler with crazy pigtails and an infectious grin that seemed to light up whatever room she entered. There had been so much going on with the little girl and yet she just took it in her stride, and rarely let it steal her smile.

Normally he tried to stop himself from getting attached to his patients. He was good at developing relationships with them, but they were always purely professional. He wore a mask, his nurse act. But there was something different with Eilir, it was so much more natural. He was more Jonny, than Nurse Jonny with her.

He knew why. Eilir reminded him off … no he forced himself to stop. He couldn't go there, not now, not today. He wasn't strong enough for his memory to take him back there.

Instead he forced himself to think about something else. He turned his mind to Jac.

Jac.

Everything was so messed up with her, and he just couldn't understand what was happening. They had split up and, as much as it hurt, that seemed to be for the best. All they seemed to capable of was hurting each other. And yet somehow they did work together. He couldn't deny that – when they were together he had been happy and he'd starting to thinking of a shared future for them.

But then they'd hurt each other again – or more precisely she'd tried to hurt him and he'd retaliated. He'd found her Achilles' heel and he'd dug the knife in. But he hadn't quite known the damage he would cause. That was the truth, he hadn't known what was going on in her head, the fears she harboured inside and so his blind attack had hit harder than it maybe would have a week or two before.

If she had trusted him, this could have been so different. He could have supported her, he knew he was capable of it. He could have been there, to hold her when she was pained but she had done her normal thing and pushed him away. She couldn't bare anyone seeing her weakness, and so she'd pushed him away to prevent him getting close enough.

But today she'd let him see. Today he'd seen her fear, the blind panic in her face. He could see her in his mind, how she'd cowered away from him, pressed hard in to the wall as if she wanted it to swallow her whole just so she could escape his presence. It scared him, that he'd been able to have such an effect on her. That he'd lost control of himself so much that he'd been able to cause Jac Naylor to be scared of him

It wasn't like him to lose control quite so spectacularly. Yes he had a temper, always had done, but so rarely was he that person. He hated that person. But to know the fear it had caused in her, made him feel all the more guilty. There had been something in her reaction, that made him think that he wasn't the first to act that way towards her, that perhaps others had gone further than he had. So much of Jac was closed away and hidden that he found it hard to read her, to understand what went on in her head and what had caused her to act as she did.

And now there was a child.

Someone totally innocent, caught up in the craziness of this world; of them.

He hated that he'd found out he was going to be a father in that way. That the words had been whispered by a woman terrified; a woman so threatened by him she'd felt forced to reveal news which should have been greeted with joy.

She shouldn't have been put in that position.

But then he wondered would she have told him otherwise. She hadn't told him about her endometriosis. In fact he could probably count on one hand, the things she'd really told him about herself – the proper, important things.

Would he have found out because her abdomen started to swell due to the child growing or would he have overheard on the Holby grapevine? Perhaps he never would have found out at all. Perhaps she would have sneaked away for a few days, disappearing of the radar with food poisoning only to return, no longer pregnant, and no one any the wiser.

She wasn't exactly mother material. He couldn't imagine her, walking around a park pushing a buggy and stopping to feed the ducks.

And yet the way she had stood in front of him had been so protective of that little life. Her arms had been wrapped around her abdomen, shielding the child from him. Their child.

A child who was being brought in to a hostile environment, a loveless – even hateful – relationship between two people destined only to hurt each other. No child should have to live in that world.

But there was a little niggle in his chest. A little twinge, that was barely noticeable. But he recognised it. Perhaps the love wasn't completely gone, though he wasn't sure how she felt especially after today.

He closed his eyes, seeing faces dancing on the inside of his eyelids. He felt tears slip down his cheeks. Two months ago, everything had seemed so good and now it was just a mess and he wasn't sure how it could be fixed, or even if it could be.

They were two people. To the outside world, they were total opposite – but he knew the truth, inside they were similar. Two broken, messed up people trying not to sink in to the quicksand, only now they were dragging someone else down with them – and the only way out, to save themselves was to work together.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you to anyone who has read this and I hope that this update is ok :)**

She was shaking.

It had been two hours since her shift finished; since she'd slipped silently from the hospital and driven home in a daze. She wasn't sure how she'd made it here in one piece. It was luck that she'd made it home – not that it really felt like a home. It wasn't really a personal space; a place to relax and in which to live. No really it was just a place for sleeping and eating when she wasn't working. A home was somewhere you wanted to be, this was just somewhere that was.

Had this place every felt like home to her? She wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she really knew what it was to feel at home. Perhaps for the briefest of moments, she had thought that maybe this is home, this is how it feels. But she had never been certain.

Was it fair to bring the child in to that? This loveless little shoebox. This plain empty space, that held little that made it hers. If she were to move out today, taking only herself, you'd probably never even know that this had been the home of Jac Naylor. Shouldn't a child be born in to a home? A place of love, where the child was wanted and waited for, treasured and longed for.

She wasn't sure she could give it that. This little cell bundle that would one day be a baby deserved more than her. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps he was right in his assessment of her ability to be a mother and the type of person she was. Perhaps he was right in that nobody would love her – maybe not even the child – because she was unlovable.

But she had thought he loved her. She was sure that somewhere deep down she had felt it, the love that radiated from him, that had been directed at her and for her. She had thought he loved her, and if he had been faking it – he had done a damn good impression because she had believed it. She had believed, for a moment, that someone could love her; that they could want her for something more than sex or for what she could do for them.

And she thought she had loved him in return. She had said the words; spoken them to his face, not whispered to his sleeping form when he wouldn't hear or silently in response to his own admission of feelings. She had felt it. She had felt it in the way her body responded to him, in the way her fears had lessened slightly. He'd come close to her letting him in.

She had wanted to, or at least she thought she did. But love scared her. Love was an emotion unfamiliar and which was easily abused. She abused love, or lust or whatever men tended to feel towards her. She used it for her own gain, but it came at a price. And in turn people abused her when she loved, or when she tried to.

In part that was what scared her about this child. This child would need love. It would need her love or it would feel as she did. Even when she'd had her mother, she hadn't felt loved. It was strange how you could feel unloved and abandoned even before the physical abandonment occurred. Perhaps emotional abandonment was harder to bear but she wasn't sure.

She wasn't sure she could put her child through that. Being emotional starved because it had a mother incapable of unconditional love and feeling. Love in her world came with conditions, and even then was not guaranteed. Was it fair to the child to have to savour every crumb of love because it had a mother like Jac?

Perhaps it the child had a father. If she had a choice, Jac would have liked a child to have a father like Jonny. Not the Jonny she had seen today, but the Jonny she thought she knew. The Jonny she had loved, or thought she loved. That Jonny was a man who would make a wonderful parent for a little person. A man warm and affectionate with the enthusiasm and playfulness of a child yet the wisdom and strength of a man who'd been through a lot and come out the other side without being broken.

A man like that could give a child the world and that child would feel as if they were the whole world; because in their parents' eyes they would be.

But this child, her child, wouldn't get that.

Her child would get her.

After today she wasn't sure about Jonny. He had genuinely scared her, left her shaking long after the incident in her office had passed. She was still shaking now at the thought of him. His anger had been raw and unbridled. His words had been designed to inflict wounds, each one small but combined deep enough to destroy her. Words which had started their work two months previously but continued today to finish the job.

He had calmed down, she knew that. But his reaction had been far from ideal and she wasn't sure what to expect from the next time the spoke. What he would want from her, and what she could expect from him. She couldn't imagine him wanting the child, wanting the ties to her, nor would his normally kind heart want to saddle the innocent with a mother like her.

Maybe it wasn't so lucky that she'd made it home safely. Perhaps it was the universes way of making her suffer that little bit longer. Perhaps it would have been easier if she'd lost control, if she hadn't been able to guide herself on autopilot.

She didn't want to die. She didn't. But an accident could have given her respite. A quiet blackness, blocking out the frantic wild thoughts chasing around her brain. It could have taken away the choice. The little life swept away, caused perhaps by her hand though they'd be no proof. It wasn't an act she'd physically taken but one she had perhaps caused on an unconscious level.

He would maybe have blamed her. For the loss of a child, he didn't really want, because it would give him more ammunition against her. And it would have saved the child from the loveless life.

But what of her? She wasn't sure. She didn't know what she wanted and it scared her. She'd always known. Her decisions were usually easy, predetermined in her mind. They made sense and were logical. But this wasn't easy. The answer wasn't easy and it wouldn't come to her.

She was scared.

Scared of the things that were going through her head; the things she was feeling and the way her thoughts were taking her.

She felt the tears rolling down her cheeks.

She wasn't even aware of how long she'd been crying. She wished there was someone to make the decisions for her. To tell her what to do, to help her. But she was alone.

Alone, except for a bundle of cells.

She huddled her body against the chair, closing her eyes. She slowed her breathing, trying to still herself. Trying to force quiet and darkness.

She didn't hear the frantic knocking at the door. Or she did and chose to ignore.

The door gave but she didn't hear it. She hadn't closed it properly. Her muddled brain had made the mistake but she didn't realise.

"JAC?" it was the scared tone and the feeling of someone leaning in close that forced her to open her eyes and she found herself looking in to a concerned face.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hopefully this is ok :) Thank you to anyone who reads / reviews **

"You scared me" Mo spoke quietly, her heart hammering in her chest as she looked in to Jac's glistening eyes. Jac blinked rapidly, knowing acutely that she was a mess and that she didn't want to be seen like this, even by Mo who had already seen her in a moment of weakness.

"What are you doing here?" Jac asked quietly, wondering for a moment if it was really Mo in front of her, or just some strange vision, a hallucination sent for her. But Jac could feel the cold radiating from Mo's body, and she could feel her breath.

"I was worried about you" Mo answered, and Jac could see the honesty in her eyes. It caused a fresh wave of tears to slip down her cheeks; and made her wonder even more if the woman in front of her was merely a vision despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary; because people did not worry about Jac, or even if they did they didn't make any efforts based on that feeling.

Mo sighed a little and took hold of Jac's hand in hers, despite having come in from the cold, the ice of Jac's skin came almost as a shock to Mo. Looking at her colleague, Mo realised that Jac's hair was dripping better and she was clad only in the lightest of materials. She was shivering and shaking. Mo's frowned deepened, thinking back over the last few hours and what had led her here.

* * *

"_Jonny talk to me" Mo said pulling him in to the staffroom, having just had to revive little Eilir which had left her feeling more than a little bit shaky. It had happened so suddenly and her heart was still beating wildly in her chest but not the adrenaline was wearing off and the emotion was settling in. _

"_There's nothing to talk about" Jonny answered, here but he didn't walk away from her. Instead he sat down on one of the seats and watched as Mo made the pair of them a drink. In reality he needed alcohol but he'd have to settle for something less effective. _

"_I saw the two of you arguing" Mo told him, turning to face him. She'd seen the way Jac had tried to escape to her office, before her emotions became visible and how he'd followed his anger building. She had seen traces of Jonny's anger before but never seen him lose It completely; and the idea that he would have done so today terrified her. _

"_It was nothing. Just Jac being Jac" He responded, trying to keep his tone level and calm. Mo could tell that he was lying but there was something about the way he was looking that made her wonder if he'd even open up to her. _

"_You sure Jonny-Mac?" She questioned. There was that little boy lost look in his eyes but there was something more than that though she wasn't certain of what. Perhaps guilt; there was the hint of the puppy eyes that she'd come to associate with guilt but there were so many emotions in his face that she couldn't name them all. _

"_Just drop it Mo" he told her, a slight bite to his words. A dangerous undercurrent. She blinked a little, Jonny so rarely showed any anger towards her, they always knew that teasing and joking was in fun and that probing questions were out of caring. _

"_I'm worried about you" She told him, trying to diffuse his anger a little though she wasn't sure how effective it would be. He looked up at her, and tried to force a smile on to his face; to look normal. _

"_I'm fine Mo" he said quietly "It's the stress with Eilir, and Jac well I just took it out on her. Nothing more" he added and Mo crinkled her eyes a little, trying to suss out whether he was telling her the whole truth. Normally his lies didn't get passed her but she couldn't tell this time and it scared her a little. She knew why Eilir got to him. It had all come out years before but after that he'd never mentioned it again, but today it seemed to have flared up again. _

"_and Jac's fine too?" She asked, unable to help herself. She wasn't sure how she felt about the idea that Jonny was potentially still in the dark about the baby but then she'd seen for herself how angry Jonny was, so could she really blame Jac if she hadn't told him in that situation. _

"_Why do you care so much about Jac all of a sudden?!" Jonny exclaimed, his suspicion suddenly aroused. Usually Mo didn't give two hoots about Jac Naylor._

"_You seemed pretty angry Jonny and" Mo paused not quite sure how to word what she needed to say; without potentially giving away Jac's secret. Jonny's eyes flashed and he looked up at Mo, reading her face._

"_You f*****g know don't you?" Jonny shouted at Mo, standing up from his seat, drawing himself up to his full height. Mo looked at him surprised, and for once she found herself speechless. "That's fantastic that is, my best friend knew and you didn't think to warn me. No instead you protected her" He turned away and stormed from the little room, leaving Mo bemused. _

_As she neared the end of her shift, the last hour or so passing with a strange atmosphere on the ward with Jonny doing his best to ignore her entirely. She wasn't sure she could ever remember a time when they'd been like this. But she was sure he was hurting, but there was a large part of her that was worried. He obviously knew, which meant Jac had told him. _

_She had seen Jac stood outside of Eilir's room. The pain and fear in her eyes. It was almost more than Mo could bear but she hadn't been able to search out the consultant because she'd disappeared off somewhere, so instead Mo had tackled Jonny. _

_But she'd been keeping a watchful eye out for Jac. She needed to make sure she was ok, more so now that she knew that Jonny knew and she'd seen the anger that was obviously coursing through him. It made her all the more worried for Jac and her state of mind. _

_Outside of the bay, Jac had been like a ghost. Frozen, traumatised and for a second it had scared Mo. It had scared her so much that if the child on the bed hadn't been her priority she would have rushed out to the consultant. To think that Jonny could have caused that broke Mo's heart a little. This wasn't her Jonny. _

_Finally she caught sight of Jac. But she hadn't been able to follow her. The consultant had moved quickly, her presence slipping so quietly from the hospital that it was almost like she hadn't truly been there. Like the shadow of a woman moving between them. _

_But Mo had seen her face; the blankness of her expression and yet the haunted look in her eyes. It was heart wrenching to see. _

_As much as she hated to admit it, Mo was terrified for Jac. There was something about that look that reminded her of something but she wasn't sure what. She looked so out of it, and yet there was obviously so much going on inside of her. And Mo wasn't sure that she could trust Jac not to do something stupid – even though it seemed so out of character for the consultant; but the combination of her emotions – heightened by hormones and what she had been through that day meant that Mo wasn't sure what to expect._

_Mo didn't know where Jac lived and so even though it wasn't strictly allowed, or even right she found herself looking up the consultants address in the staff records. She knew that it was technically a disciplinary offence but she had to do it; she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if anything had happened. _

_Mo had made her way to the building on foot, she'd hitched a ride with Jonny that morning and she knew that there was no chance of getting a lift from him. So she walked, despite the cold wind and the rain battering against her. By the time she made it to the building she was drenched and freezing cold._

_Making her way up the steps to the building, she felt shivers running down her spine, scared about what she would fine. As she knocked of the door, she'd listened for signs of life but she heard nothing. Instead she felt the door move under her fist, so she pushed it more firmly. It opened easily and she frowned, she couldn't imagine Jac leaving it open if she was in her right mind. _

_Stepping in to the flat, Mo was struck by how bare it was, how void of anything personal, anything that made it Jac's. Then her eyes fell on the figure in the chair, the still huddled up body with the tear stained face. She knelt down beside the figure, watching for the movement of her chest. _

"_Jac" her voice was panicked as she spoke the consultant's name, scared that she wouldn't receive a response. Almost with a start, she saw Jac's eyes open. _

* * *

"I was worried about you" Mo repeated and Jac swallowed hard and tried to wipe at her face.

"Why?" Jac asked, her voice low. Mo squeezed the cold hand within hers.

"I know you told him" Mo answered honestly "I know he was angry" she added though she didn't expand on that. Jac felt the shaking in her body increase as she was reminded of his anger.

"I can't do this" Jac whispered, sobs wracking her body. She was so scared. Mo shift her position a little.

"Shh now" Mo murmured, her voice soft and reassuring. The sort of voice Jac could imagine a mother using to a small frightened child. "it's late and it's been a long day" Mo stood slowly and she pulled Jac with her, the consultant shaking so much that her balance wavered. Mo placed an arm around the other woman's body and guided her towards the room she guessed to be the consultant's bedroom. Gently she moved the consultant towards the bed and manoeuvred her body on to it. Jac put up no resistance. She was tired. So tired.

Instead she allowed Mo to treat her like a child. The pull the duvet around her body and to try to cover her cold body in warmth. Mo smiled down at the consultant, trying to look brighter than she felt.

"Sleep now Jac ok?" she whispered in to the dark "We can talk tomorrow but for now you need to sleep" the consultant closed her eyes and Mo smiled. She slipped quietly out in to the main room of the flat and she went for a moment to the window looking out in to the dark. If she wasn't mistaken, she thought she could make out Jonny's car but she couldn't be certain.

Drawing herself away, she settled herself in the chair hoping that she'd be able to sleep but knowing that it wouldn't be restful. She'd remain on alert for Jac. And tomorrow she'd be here for her, waiting.


	10. Chapter 10

**I've been useless at updating this despite having this part written for a while :D. Hopefully it's ok. **

Jac awoke a few hours later, confused as to how she'd ended up curled up beneath her duvet. She remembered being in her chair, her eyes closed and the thoughts chasing around her head and how desperate she'd been for them to let up. But after that there was a blank. She shifted her position, pulling herself up in to sitting position and allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness.

Her long hair was still damp and she shivered a little. How had she not noticed how cold it was? She had been reckless and the last thing she needed was to get ill because she'd allowed herself to get so cold. Had she truly been that numb that she'd not noticed?

She remembered getting in the shower, the water had been scolding hot but she hadn't stepped out from under it, instead she'd allowed it to run over her naked body until her skin had been red and her head had spun. Only then had she allowed herself to step out and then she'd slipped in to lightest of her nightwear. The coldness of the night seeping over her burning skin, but she felt numb to it.

She pulled herself free from the cover and eased her feet down on to the floor. Slowly she forced herself to stand and to walk in to the main room of her flat, unsure of what she would find there. The blank in her memory scared her and she wasn't sure that she hadn't done something stupid.

She could hear breathing, the soft steady breathing of someone who was asleep and that confused her. She'd been alone in her chair, save for the bundle of cells. Cautiously Jac stepped towards the chair and frowned at the sight of the sleeping registrar. Mo looked uncomfortable, squished in to chair; her body contorted strangely. Jac knew that when Mo awoke she'd suffer.

But there was a part of Jac that was a little touched. Mo had obviously come here for her, and unless she was mistaken it was probably Mo who had looked after her and put her to bed. The registrar shifted a little and opened her eyes, alerted to the presence of the consultant. Groaning a little Mo righted herself in the chair and smiled at Jac.

"I didn't mean to wake you" Jac whispered, settling herself down on the sofa and Mo twisted her lips a little.

"I'm a light sleeper" She answered, hoping that Jac wouldn't be able to see through the lie. In reality, Mo was a fairly good sleeper but when she had a job to do – like a pager by her side or a friend to watch out for – she could manage a fairly light sleep. It was a skill she'd perfected over the years. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused" Jac responded, her voice soft. She wasn't sure why she felt able to talk to Mo, or what had come over her. Opening up to people wasn't something she did and yet the words didn't seem to get caught in her throat with Mo; at least not now. Perhaps it was the little bundle doing it to her, or the hormones it caused to be secreted.

"You were in a bad way last night" Mo stated, a sadness in her tone. She hoped nobody would ever give her a fright like that again. A part of her had genuinely expected to find Jac having done something stupid; though she wasn't quite sure what action she expected.

"He scared me Mo" Jac replied, her voice so quiet Mo had to strain to make out the words. Jac could picture him in her mind. The anger, the bitterness and then the quiet bewilderment after she'd told him and how she'd known he wanted out and away from her.

"He was angry, I know" Mo had seen it for herself, and she was still reeling herself. She knew Jonny's issue. She knew where the stemmed from but even that couldn't excuse him. She hoped that one day the pair of them would be able to open up to each other, but right now she doubted it could happen. They both pushed each other too far, and now they were both paying the price.

"It wasn't just his anger" Jac turned her head away from Mo, instead choosing to look at a spot on the wall. "I've never seen him like that, even before he didn't lose control like that and then after, he just" she froze not sure how to describe his reaction.

"It's Eilir" Mo looked down at her hands, "She gets to him, more than any patient I've ever known" Jac turned her attention back to Mo and twisted her lips a little.

"She got to me too, watching you work on her" Jac's lips turned downwards in to a frown as she remembered standing outside of the bay; of how she froze there, unable to move and to help. She was surprised Jonny hadn't come at her again, criticising her inaction; twisting it to his own motive. "if it hadn't of been for her, we wouldn't have even talked"

"Eilir is special to Jonny and he wants to best for her, always has" Mo smiled a little thinking of it, though she worried too about how close Jonny was to the little girl, of what would happen if she died. She wasn't sure Jonny would be able to cope, some of the time Mo wondered if the child he saw on the bed was really Eilir, "That's why he came to you"

"He didn't want to be anywhere near me Mo, he made that clear" Jac countered, thinking of the way he had come in to her office and how he had spoken to her, and of her to Eilir. Mo rolled her eyes a little, wondering why Jonny insisted on putting on such an act.

"He's putting on an act" Mo retorted, wishing that Jonny wasn't so pig-headed but she also understood his act to an extent. He was only trying to counter Jac's frostiness to him. They really were as bad as each other.

"It's a bloody convincing one" Jac responded bitterly. She knew Mo was going to defend her friend, but she hadn't been there, she hadn't seen him. Mo nodded.

"It's because he cares so much" Jac rolled her eyes in response to this, she couldn't see it. If you loved someone you didn't shout those things, you didn't leave them scared and cowering against a wall terrified that your next move would leave them sprawled across the floor.

"He has a funny way of showing it – he called me unlovable" she shivered a little at the idea of it, "and heartless" she added.

"He's hurting too Jac" Mo whispered. She knew it didn't excuse what he'd said to her, particularly when Jac was so vulnerable but Jonny was hurting too, much more than he was letting on. Eilir being on the scene now was almost the worst possible scenario – particularly with the state she was in.

"So he makes himself feel better by hurting me?" Jac laughed a hollow laugh. It was something she herself did. Something she'd done to Jonny outside of the theatre, something she'd done to Joseph. But it was an evil game and now she could see that the end result left her hurting too.

"Sounds like something, someone else I know would do" Mo responded a little pointedly. Jac frowned a little, it was like Mo had taken the words from her mind.

"It's all such a mess" Jac feeling her emotions bubbling up once again, the spiralling darkness of her mind creeping back up on to her. She saw the expression on Mo's face change as she realised.

"Messes can be cleaned up" Mo answered, "Maybe things won't be perfect after but they have can be made better" Jac blinked a little, trying to accept what Mo was saying but fearing that she couldn't be right; not about this.


End file.
